Fay’s Story
Fay wrote this piece about the violent death of her friend, James, many years earlier. Writing the poem over the course of several months helped her process those long-buried feelings, allowing her to express her grief in a way that she wasn’t able to at the time. She now lives in the Spanish mountains where she runs wellness retreats, and is planning to plant a tree in James’s memory.
I miss you more in my life as time goes by
When he stabbed you with that knife
He took far more than just your life
He took far more than I could have known.
I know it now that I have have grown
I knew that I had lost a friend who had stood the test of time
I knew that I had lost a friend who life was, too brutally, brought to an end
But I didn’t miss then when I miss most now.
I wouldn’t even have known quite how
How do you miss things you’ve not yet done,
And will now never know?
I miss growing old together
As we watch our daughters grow.
Supporting each other through the teenage years
Sharing as always all our hopes and fears,
Laughing at how these, like ourselves
Have changed so drastically over the years
Holding each other through times of pain
Mopping up each other’s tears
I dream of meeting your Fern one day
But fear not recognising her face
I guess like you at twenty-three,
She would tower over me,
Long legs striding,
Me almost running to keep up.
You refusing to slow down or shut up.
I remember with gratitude all the times you walked me home.
I remember with love all the times you cared for me,
Cooked for me, generally looked out for me.
Stopping by my flat on your way to work
To ensure that foolish, pregnant young me would eat
Then both heading off on the London streets
Far too young, but gotta stay strong
We never kissed; is that something we missed?
Did we miss a trick never crossing that line,
Always keeping everything “just fine”
Never wanting to risk losing our friendship
That back then seemed worth so much more
Now we will never know for sure
Friends that good are not easy to find
I miss you more in my life as time goes by.
I miss you more in my life as time goes by…
As fair weather friends fall by the wayside, or die,
The remaining few soul friends,
Now scattered worldwide.
I miss your honest male perspective
With no hidden agenda
I miss our late night conversations
I miss our weekend benders
I miss laughing at our laughter lines
Unthinkable when we met
I miss seeing you in glasses, comparing our grey hairs
I really missed our joint 50th,
Me a winter solstice babe you December 26th
I miss your mum telling the story of how you were
Almost born on Xmas day
Like the baby Jesus, she would say
I wish you were like Jesus, and you too had risen again.
I’d rather have you here and now than these twenty years of pain
I miss you more in my life as time goes by.
I curse the day he took that knife
I miss you being in my life.