Emily’s Story
A young Emily on holiday with her dad, Geoff
Emily and her dad Geoff were always very close; his sudden death, in July 2022 - while Emily and her wife were thousands of miles away on holiday - came as a complete shock to the whole family. Here Emily talks about how powerless she felt, being so far away, and how her dad’s death has completely reordered her world, leaving her with complicated feelings of guilt, anger, sadness… and complete numbness. She also talks about how she has found support in online communities, and in hearing other people’s stories of loss and love.
My Dad passed away suddenly in July 2022 aged 81. While he had numerous health problems, this was completely unexpected and, if I’m honest, something I am still struggling with seventeen months on.
I was on holiday in the Maldives when I got the phone call from my mum to say that my dad had suffered a cardiac arrest and that, although the paramedics were working on him, it wasn’t looking good. She then said she would call back in ten minutes, as the paramedic had come to talk to her. I asked her to give him a cuddle from me and to tell him I loved him.
My Mum called back less than ten minutes later to say that my dad had died.
I remember scream-crying down the phone. In that moment my whole life changed completely and I couldn’t believe that I would never see my dad again. I just remember feeling a physical pain in my chest. I felt sick and I couldn’t breathe.
I just couldn’t get my head around it. I’d only spoken to my Dad earlier that day. He and my Mum had gone over to my house to check on my cats and were going to stay the night too. Even though we had a friend going into feed them every day, my parents had stayed over a few times to give the cats some company. My Dad had actually been doing some odd jobs around the house for me and my wife earlier that day, and had been sending photos of his progress. I’d last heard from him around 7.30pm (UK time) to say that they’d just had a MacDonald’s and were watching Emmerdale.
Five hours later he was gone.
I had no idea what to do. We still had a week left in the Maldives - should I go home? Would I even be able to get a flight? My mum told me to stay and try to enjoy it as much as possible, because that’s what my dad would want me to do. So that’s what I did, although for me the holiday ended when I got that phone call.
The next few weeks went by in a blur, and I experienced a range of feelings and emotions from hysterical crying to complete numbness. I went from feeling everything to feeling nothing. I was angry, sad, frustrated. If I did laugh at anything I felt guilty. I felt guilty for carrying on when my dad wasn’t here to enjoy or experience things.
For me, a part of me died with my dad and, although I have good days (they are now beginning to outweigh the bad days), I don’t think I will ever be the same person that I was before. I had absolutely no idea when I got on that plane to the Maldives that I would never see my dad again. I was always a massive daddy’s girl; he was my person, my rock and, if ever I was having a bad day or feeling a bit down, he could cheer me up simply by saying “Just don’t have it”.
We almost had our own language in songs, where one of us would say a word and the other would burst into song with that word in it. Suddenly I felt lost without that connection and my world didn’t make sense.
About three months after my dad died I started having panic/anxiety attacks, and became withdrawn and uninterested in things until my close friends reminded me that my dad wouldn’t want that for me. So I started having therapy sessions once a week to help make sense of my feelings. I made a memory box with some of my dad’s things, and I made a scrapbook which I put photos and I wrote my favourite memories in. Another thing that really helped was writing letters to my dad; that way I could still share things that I wanted to tell him.
I joined social media support groups and found it really comforting to read other people’s stories and coping strategies. Talking about my dad and sharing my story also helps a lot, and I’m starting to feel less sad when I talk about him now. I feel very lucky that I had such an amazing, kind and caring Dad and I am able to smile again when I think about the many adventures we had, and the many funny things he used to get up to. I believe that he lives on in me so I plan to honour his memory by living my life the best I can.
Geoff, larking about…